Well, I don't know if anyone actually still checks on this neglected blog anymore but if there is someone reading this right now, it's time for me to come clean...to be honest...to share some things that I really haven't wanted to put "out there". It's nothing shocking or horrific or worthy of a article in the National Enquirer or anything. It's just that I seem to save my blog for what my idea of a "perfect" blog post should be. I want to share positive, happy thoughts and I have FEAR that if I talk about what's really going on with me, I will be perceived as a "whiner" or "crazy" or some other unsavory descriptive (all of which I have probably already placed upon myself).
Basically, October was NOT a good time for me. You see, I have been dealing with fibromyalgia for the last little while. I began taking medication for it a few months ago and it's been pretty helpful but when the weather turned colder and other stresses started piling up, I found myself almost unable to move. I have just felt miserable. My body seemed to be in a full revolt. Many tears have been shed as I have tried to come to terms with this new way of life. I am trying to find a way to describe what is happening, how I feel, why it's a big deal to just get my dishwasher unloaded and I haven't found a way to put it into words. I don't understand it myself, so finding the words to explain the absolute exhaustion that follows all the simple little things I used to do easily, seems impossible. I am just trying to find my way. I feel lost sometimes and like dead weight other times. I'm grateful for my husband who goes the absolute extra mile to help me and treats me with such compassion and concern. I have had to learn to let him help me (still not great at that, though). My kids have been amazing as well. In all of this, the thing I have felt the worst about is that they had to have the "sick mom". My parents have been willing to move heaven and earth to help me feel better, and I am so grateful for them. I really do have the best family! I don't know where I'd be without them. I actually don't want to think about it.
So, I am starting to feel a little better now and I'm hoping to be on a bit of an upswing. My kids wanted to paint the other day and I even felt well enough to drag out the paints AND join them. I did a little work in my altered book journal. That's progress.
I made a page about this quirky little Yellow Page habit I have. The journaling explains my silliness. It reads, " I'm not sure exactly when it started, but I know it's something I've done since I was young. I don't even know why I do it, but whenever I stay in a hotel, one of the very first things I do is open up the phone book . I open the phonebook before I unpack even. I turn to the letter "A" in the Yellow pages and look up "Art". I find the art stores and try to figure where they are in relations to where I am staying. The funny part about it is I never actually go to any of these stores unless I happen to run across one. I just need to know what's possible and where to find it. When I think about my quirky Yellow page habit and how it's something I've always done, it amazes me that it has taken me this long to realize that I'm an artist." Does anyone else do that???
Well, while I realize that my feeling crappy really isn't that big of a secret. I mean, everyone does from time to time. I just have to be genuine about it. It isn't always rainbows and butterflies around here and I don't expect that is happening in anyone else's life either. I am just living a real life with real joy, real gratitude, real disappointments, and real pain just like everybody else, so if I disappear from blogland from time to time, just know that I'm just finding my way through fibromyalgia and I'll be back soon.